Fighting with a parent or guardian can be extremely stressful. You might feel like you are constantly clashing with each other. Or maybe you don’t argue much, but that makes the arguments you do have all the more challenging. Either way, there are a few things you can do to help ease tensions—and help have them less often!
Sometimes, you might want to bring up a tough topic with your parents that could easily cause tension. Here are a few ways to prevent an argument with your parents:
- Think about their needs and mood. Remember that your parents might have had a hard day at work or a negative experience that day. If they are exhausted or irritable, you don’t need to take it personally.
- Take your cues from them. If your parent clearly doesn’t want to discuss something at the moment, step back from the conversation if possible. Hearing “because I said so!” usually means it’s not a good time to talk, and that doesn’t mean you can never have the conversation.
- Speak with a respectful tone. Words matter, but sometimes the way they’re said is even more important. Show your parents you care about them—ask them what they need, express concern if they seem unhappy, or simply thank them. Try to use “and” instead of “but,” and don’t act dismissive about what they say.
- Communicate during calm moments. If you find yourself repeatedly clashing with the same person, it can be helpful to find a moment when you aren’t arguing to discuss how you can get along better. During a peaceful, friendly moment, it’s much easier to process emotions calmly and come up with potential long-term solutions.
- Abide by their decisions. Your parents are ultimately the ones with authority, so except in extreme cases, you need to follow their rules whether you agree with them or not. Showing obedience can also decrease tension—and it can sometimes even lead to your having a more active role in the decision-making process in the future.
If you’re already in the midst of an argument, there are still many things you can do to help de-escalate or resolve the situation:
- Take time to collect yourself instead of speaking hastily. In any fight, pausing to think before you speak can help calm the situation. It also demonstrates maturity, which might make your parent more likely to listen to your point of view.
- Foster a logical debate, not a power struggle. If your parent recognizes that you’re not trying to defeat him or her in a verbal battle but simply want to come to an agreement, things can go much more smoothly.
- Listen to their point of view. Even if it’s hard! You want your parents to listen to you, and the best way to achieve this is to listen to them. And sometimes disagreements evaporate once people simply listen to each other.
- Try not to involve other people unless you need to. Of course, if you feel unsafe or need help, you should absolutely get other people involved. But if it’s just a simple argument, saying “Well, grandma said the opposite” might make your parent feel you are trying to undermine their authority, which increases the conflict.
- Demonstrate that you have reasons behind your opinion. Parents don’t usually respond well if they think their teen is rebelling just for the sake of rebelling. But if you show them you have a calm, logical argument, they’ll respect your point of view more.
- Remember that they have their reasons, too. Parents have lots of life experience that shapes their views, and sometimes an opinion that seems random can actually be backed up by a real experience. Keeping this in mind can help you treat your parents’ opinions with respect, which will ease tensions and help them to trust your opinions more, too. You can even tell them that you want to understand their point of view because not only will it help you now, but it might also help you later on if you’re a parent yourself!
- Be understanding of their weaknesses. Parents are still just people. And all people have unique weaknesses and wounds. Even if you really think your parents have a wrong opinion about something, try to be patient with their limitations. Be prepared to forgive them for their mistakes, remembering how often they have forgiven you.
With these strategies in mind, you can try to prevent and de-escalate arguments with your parents. This can both strengthen your relationships and increase your peace of mind!